It's been almost 2 years! 2 FREAKING years! But I'm back non existent followers. I'm realizing that a lot can happen in 2 years. Let's recap. My last post was published on January 21st....2011! I remember exactly where I was when I wrote it. I was sitting in a dinning room in Bridgeton, NJ and had just finished my homework. It was a Friday, I know this because every Friday I would go over my then girlfriends house and do homework with her. A lot has changed since then. I got engaged to that girl. (Hold your applause) And got separated from that girl when she decided to cheat. I kicked that ho to the curb! Y'all feel me?! (you may applaud now) I wish it had been that easy. It really wasn't. I loved her and it's very hard when someone you loved so much decides to stop loving you. It sucks. I don't wish that feeling on anyone. I've had about 2 years to move on with my life, and I have, but allow me to share with you what God had taught me through that situation, a situation that felt hopeless.
The word love is so causally used among couples these days. They say "I love you" so causally that I do not think they know the connotation the phrase carries. Never, and I mean NEVER say "I love you" if you don't know 100% that you mean it! YOU HEAR ME? Not 99%, not 99.99999%, 100% sure. Those words, when misused can break someone! My ex told me she loved me after we'd been dating 2 months. I had wanted to say it after 1 but I wanted to make sure I really did. I really did love her. I was 100% sure of it. So I said it back. She didn't mean it. She cared about me to a point I'm sure, but not as much as she cared about having someone there to care about her.
I loved this girl enough to ask her to marry me, and she loved the idea of being loved enough to say yes. But that didn't last. A guy from her class started paying attention to her and she liked the attention so she had sex with him and continued to have sex with him until I found out to which she told me she never cared about me, I was convenient.
Those words sent me into a downward spiral of depression. On top of that, I had been diagnosed with the early stages of Hotchkins disease. I wanted my life to be over. I was so hurt. It sucked. But in that pain I remembered God. I had blocked God out of the picture and replaced him with my ex. She was more important to me than God. One night in particular I remember, I was sick of feeling depressed, I was sick of feeling the pain that I had from being hurt. In the midst I remembered God and started to pray. I said, "I don't understand what's going on. I don't have respect for myself, the girl who said she'd always love me, never did, my friends won't talk to me, I don't have family that care, and I want to take my life because of it. If Your son Jesus really cares, you need to show me right now...because I am giving my broken heart to You, and if You don't want it, nobody want's it, I don't want it."
I lifted my head and I felt the spirit of God come upon me and calm me. I began to heal. I will not pretend that I'm 100% healed, I don't think I'll ever be. But that's the point isn't it? In a spirit of brokenness I found my faith again. In my brokenness I am whole and God's strength is glorified. Maybe
the shattered parts are the places where God's love can really start to change us. I can honestly say I am
closer to where God wants me to be because of having my heart broken.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
~HiMyNameIsBobby
