I actually debated writing this out of concern that I may offend some of you. But then I realized no one reads this page. For the first 23 or years of my life I cared a lot about my appearance. I've always been kind of a big guy. For the most part I'd keep my hair trimmed up, if it was long it would be perfectly textured and styled. I was clean shaven and wouldn't let scruff get more than a day without being shaved off. Why? Because that's what girls like, right?
It wasn't just my outward appearance, but how I acted as well. I'm a weird person as it is, no one likes the weird guy. So all that stuff that I liked, the things that made me, who I am, I would hide. It worked for a while. I dated this very pretty girl, who fell in love with my powerful persona, but that's all it was, a persona. It wasn't me. The longer I dated her, the harder it became to keep up my facade. I hated wearing suits, I hated wearing button ups, I hated dressing like a boring adult.
I cut my hair short for this girl. I wanted to be the person she wanted me to be. But that wasn't me. She ended up leaving me for another guy and began to mold him into the person she wanted. I was obviously broken hearted about this. There were multiple life lessons I learned from this relationship. I've shared the more deep lessons in earlier posts. Which means if you are reading this, go back and look for those posts if you're interested.
What I am going to share with you is something that I realized somewhat recently. A lesson I learned without knowing it. After this relationship ended I started growing my hair back out. For a while I kept clean shaven but at some point I just stopped caring. I hated shaving every morning, I was single, I had no one to impress, so I just let it grow. I stopped trying to be who I thought people wanted me to be and started being who I was. I just let my freak flag fly as some would say. For the first time in I don't know how long I was being true to myself and it felt great so great that I've never stopped being myself for anyone. And you know what? My friendships are much better and genuine. People actually like the real me. And the people who don't? I really don't want those people in my life anyway.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I just go out smelling bad and wearing dirty clothes. I'm saying that I wear my hair the way I want it. It's long and curly and looks rather unruly (and that's when it's been combed) I didn't like shaving everyday so I stopped. Obviously I keep my beard maintained but in the way I like it, big and bushy. Some one once said I'd fit right in as a member of the Robertson family (Duck Dynasty).
What I'm trying to say is, men, be yourselves. Don't change because a woman tells you to (unless it's your mom, this doesn't work with moms.) If a girl is dating you, it should be because she likes you for who you are and not who she can turn you into and that also goes for you as well, If you're dating a girl it's because you like her for who she is, don't try and turn her into the girl that you envisioned from watching...like every Hollywood movie. Ladies, if you like a guy, he's funny, sweet, and caring, but he doesn't dress like the man you envisioned after reading a bunch of Nicholas Sparks books, you have two choices. If you wanna date him, accept him for who he is, and if you can't do that then don't date him. If you like him enough you won't care how he dresses or what music he's into. A couple should try to enjoy in each others interests. Even if you don't like doing a certain thing that your signification other is very passionate about the fact that you at least go with them to do what ever it is they do says something.
~HiMyNameIsBobby
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Why I Read Comic Books
Why do
I read comic books? I mean...I'm 25 years old, it was ok when I was
12, even when I was 17, but at 25? Shouldn't I be married with a
house two kids and a dog named Edward? I'm not opposed to being
married with two kids, and I'm definitely not opposed to owning a dog
named Edward, but I would still read comic books.
I started reading comic books when I was 6 years old. Honestly they were a big help in teaching me how to read. I had been a fan of Batman ever since I could remember. My mom would tell the story of when I was about 2 years old I would run around the house like crazy, one day she just turned on the TV to distract me and the old Adam West Batman series was on. She said I would stay sitting there quietly for the duration of the show. So my mom went to the local video rental store (yeah there was a whole building for renting movies back in the 80's and 90's) and rented VHS copies of the Christopher Reeves Superman movies, The Super Friends cartoon, anything comic book related and when she needed an hour or two to get house work done she'd put one in the old VCR and I'd sit quietly and watch until the movie was over...and then I'd fall asleep because I was 2 years old and nap time was calling my name.
That's how it started. That's how comic book super heroes became my favorite form of story telling. So when it was time for me to learn to read, naturally comic books helped. I know you must be saying, "Ok Bobby, that's great and all but you have BA in literature, shouldn't you have a more refined taste in reading material?” ...I'm gonna say no.
Comic books used to not be very literary until the 80's happened and writers like Denny O'Neil, Alan Moore, and Frank Miller started writing more complex story lines. The best example I can give is Alan Moore's 1987 comic "Watchmen" which was the winner 1988 Hugo Award. Currently you can go into a comic shop or Barns and Noble and find an array of comics and graphic novels that aren't just about super heroes. There's noir stories, war stories, westerns, and something really for everyone. Comics aren't just about the writing, they are also about the art illustrating the stories and bring the writers words to life on the page. Comic books are an art form.
The original question though was, why do I read comic books? My answer is much simpler than trying to convince you that they're literary or an art form. Why do I read comic books? I read comic books because they tell stories of people who want to make a difference. They make me believe a man can fly, they make me see the good in people and that our fellow man is worth fighting for, and even dying for. They make me believe in heroes, and that we have the ability to overcome any and all difficultly in our lives. That even though I may not have super strength, the ability to fly, I'm not a billionaire with a cave full of gadgets, that everyone of us has the ability to be a hero and stand up for the oppressed, to be a voice for good in this world filled with hate and negativity. Comic books taught me to believe in hope and to believe that we all can be saved when our world is falling down around us. And as odd as it may seem, comic books strengthen my faith in God. That's why I read comic books.
I started reading comic books when I was 6 years old. Honestly they were a big help in teaching me how to read. I had been a fan of Batman ever since I could remember. My mom would tell the story of when I was about 2 years old I would run around the house like crazy, one day she just turned on the TV to distract me and the old Adam West Batman series was on. She said I would stay sitting there quietly for the duration of the show. So my mom went to the local video rental store (yeah there was a whole building for renting movies back in the 80's and 90's) and rented VHS copies of the Christopher Reeves Superman movies, The Super Friends cartoon, anything comic book related and when she needed an hour or two to get house work done she'd put one in the old VCR and I'd sit quietly and watch until the movie was over...and then I'd fall asleep because I was 2 years old and nap time was calling my name.
That's how it started. That's how comic book super heroes became my favorite form of story telling. So when it was time for me to learn to read, naturally comic books helped. I know you must be saying, "Ok Bobby, that's great and all but you have BA in literature, shouldn't you have a more refined taste in reading material?” ...I'm gonna say no.
Comic books used to not be very literary until the 80's happened and writers like Denny O'Neil, Alan Moore, and Frank Miller started writing more complex story lines. The best example I can give is Alan Moore's 1987 comic "Watchmen" which was the winner 1988 Hugo Award. Currently you can go into a comic shop or Barns and Noble and find an array of comics and graphic novels that aren't just about super heroes. There's noir stories, war stories, westerns, and something really for everyone. Comics aren't just about the writing, they are also about the art illustrating the stories and bring the writers words to life on the page. Comic books are an art form.
The original question though was, why do I read comic books? My answer is much simpler than trying to convince you that they're literary or an art form. Why do I read comic books? I read comic books because they tell stories of people who want to make a difference. They make me believe a man can fly, they make me see the good in people and that our fellow man is worth fighting for, and even dying for. They make me believe in heroes, and that we have the ability to overcome any and all difficultly in our lives. That even though I may not have super strength, the ability to fly, I'm not a billionaire with a cave full of gadgets, that everyone of us has the ability to be a hero and stand up for the oppressed, to be a voice for good in this world filled with hate and negativity. Comic books taught me to believe in hope and to believe that we all can be saved when our world is falling down around us. And as odd as it may seem, comic books strengthen my faith in God. That's why I read comic books.
-HiMyNameIsBobby
Friday, May 24, 2013
Seeing My Reflection in My Art
To me music can be the most honest and pure form communication. I'm learning this more and more as my band is wrapping up the recording process. I've been finishing up the lyrics for the songs I have yet to record vocals on. While I was honest about my feelings towards a particular situation on the last album I was vague enough that I could disconnect myself from the lyrical content. I was a lot more honest on this album and I'm starting see that in all the lyrics.
While the album on the surface focuses on the problems with the American Church (specifically the prosperity gospel and the Westboro Baptist Church) I came to a realization last night that there is a deeper meaning in the lyrics. Reading back over them I see that there is a song for everything I'm going through. I wrote these lyrics in an honest moment, and now I'll have to listen to them and perform them over and over and over again. I didn't realize what that would do to me. All the interactions I've been having (even though the album isn't out yet) are just amazing. It's surreal to meet people who are at the same place I am and connect with lyrics I've written. It's controlled chaos and it's beautiful, but it hurts because every lyric I've written is from my life.
As a vocalist I've totally changed my out look on performance and what I say on stage. I don't know where I stand with religion or the "church" I know where I stand with God and my faith. I'm still a Christian, I still believe the bible and what it says. I know there's a lot of people who are not happy with me because of what I've said in this album. It's too angry or too depressing. I should be happy all the time because I'm a Christian. Every song should be me praising the Lord. Well, I'm not a happy person, there's a difference between being happy and knowing joy. I'm joyful because I know that all the pain and hurt I go through ends eventually. Everything will be ok in the end and maybe I'm not ok, at all, but this isn't the end yet. I know there's a lot of things in my life I need change but if any words I've written inspire or encourage someone to hold on and keep pushing forward, then that's exactly what I needed to write.
I feel like as a vocalist I hadn't been me until this record. I feel like I was always what someone else wanted me to be, what metal fans wanted me to be, what a Christian fan base wanted me to be, what Christian friends wanted me to be, but for this album I wanted to be what I am.
My personal life is really reflected in my art. Growing up I didn't really have friends, I had people I would hang out with but thinking back they weren't my friends. I was that quiet kid who just felt alone, I masked my pain with anger. I had and have to this day such bad social anxiety that I stutter and ramble and can't focus my thoughts because I so nervous around people, even people who are my closest friends. I became a vocalist because I met a guy named Tim Lambesis. During a conversation I had with him he noticed I seem anxious. He told me something like, "Hey man, I'm just a guy like you, you don't need to be nervous around me." the friend who I was with jokingly said, "It's not you, he's like this all the time. It's a shame because Bobby is a very talented vocalist but refuses to do anything but play bass."
I told Tim, it's because I stutter and I'm afraid to sing in front of people. He encouraged me to not be afraid and to do it not to please people, but to do it because I love music. So I did. We all know now what's currently going on with Tim, and to be honest I question ever bit of advise the man's given me. That doubt has spilled over into every part of my life and it definitely comes out in these new songs. But it needs to, because I firmly believe that God will use it to help someone and that's all I want, to make an impact for good.
-HiMyNameIsBobby
While the album on the surface focuses on the problems with the American Church (specifically the prosperity gospel and the Westboro Baptist Church) I came to a realization last night that there is a deeper meaning in the lyrics. Reading back over them I see that there is a song for everything I'm going through. I wrote these lyrics in an honest moment, and now I'll have to listen to them and perform them over and over and over again. I didn't realize what that would do to me. All the interactions I've been having (even though the album isn't out yet) are just amazing. It's surreal to meet people who are at the same place I am and connect with lyrics I've written. It's controlled chaos and it's beautiful, but it hurts because every lyric I've written is from my life.
As a vocalist I've totally changed my out look on performance and what I say on stage. I don't know where I stand with religion or the "church" I know where I stand with God and my faith. I'm still a Christian, I still believe the bible and what it says. I know there's a lot of people who are not happy with me because of what I've said in this album. It's too angry or too depressing. I should be happy all the time because I'm a Christian. Every song should be me praising the Lord. Well, I'm not a happy person, there's a difference between being happy and knowing joy. I'm joyful because I know that all the pain and hurt I go through ends eventually. Everything will be ok in the end and maybe I'm not ok, at all, but this isn't the end yet. I know there's a lot of things in my life I need change but if any words I've written inspire or encourage someone to hold on and keep pushing forward, then that's exactly what I needed to write.
I feel like as a vocalist I hadn't been me until this record. I feel like I was always what someone else wanted me to be, what metal fans wanted me to be, what a Christian fan base wanted me to be, what Christian friends wanted me to be, but for this album I wanted to be what I am.
My personal life is really reflected in my art. Growing up I didn't really have friends, I had people I would hang out with but thinking back they weren't my friends. I was that quiet kid who just felt alone, I masked my pain with anger. I had and have to this day such bad social anxiety that I stutter and ramble and can't focus my thoughts because I so nervous around people, even people who are my closest friends. I became a vocalist because I met a guy named Tim Lambesis. During a conversation I had with him he noticed I seem anxious. He told me something like, "Hey man, I'm just a guy like you, you don't need to be nervous around me." the friend who I was with jokingly said, "It's not you, he's like this all the time. It's a shame because Bobby is a very talented vocalist but refuses to do anything but play bass."
I told Tim, it's because I stutter and I'm afraid to sing in front of people. He encouraged me to not be afraid and to do it not to please people, but to do it because I love music. So I did. We all know now what's currently going on with Tim, and to be honest I question ever bit of advise the man's given me. That doubt has spilled over into every part of my life and it definitely comes out in these new songs. But it needs to, because I firmly believe that God will use it to help someone and that's all I want, to make an impact for good.
-HiMyNameIsBobby
Sunday, March 31, 2013
un//forgiveness
With my bands new record coming out soon and it's drastic style shift from generic metalcore to technical metalcore I've been asked what, if any of the old songs will be kept in the set. My answer is always, "If we keep any of them it will be un//forgiveness"
You may be asking why, well the song is more than just a song to me. Those first releases where written during a very trying time in my life. They are lessons I needed to learn and how I got through one of the worst times in my life. The lyrics came out of a place of hurt and "un//forgiveness" is the most important one to me. "A New Day Rising" is catchy, "It's Not a Threat, It's a Promise" is heavy, aggressive, and straight up pissed, but "un//forgiveness" has an important lesson that applies to everyone. You see, un//forgiveness is about forgiving someone that you don't think deserves it.
I have come to learn, the hard way, that holding onto hatred and anger is like dragging around a dead body and hoping the weight of the corps weighs down the person who has hurt you. It won't happen. In my experience, the other person was out living her life, having fun, and not caring that she hurt me or what I was going through. I was not even given a second thought. She didn't care how much I hated her, or that I didn't forgive her.
Being unforgiving is only going to hurt you, it'll bring you down and take a strong hold on your life. Letting go, on the other hand, will free you. It's not easy, it took me a little over 2 years, but today I can say with a clear conscience, that I forgive this person and I love her as a human being, but I don't need or want her in my life. The song on my bands first release is an important song for me, because it was a prayer to God asking Him to take my unforgiveness. The songs on our upcoming albums tell an entirely different story, more of a critique on the American church. In 2 years after this album cycle is over and it comes time for us to record a new album, I'll create songs (lyrically) that will reflect the current lessons I am learning and I'll be able to look back on this album and see the lessons God taught me during this season in my life. There will be that one song off this release that resonated with me a little more than the rest and will end up having a regular spot in our set.
I don't want to live in the past, but I don't want to forget the good that came out of hardship, that's why the song "un//forgiveness" will remain in our set for a while.
~ HiMyNameIsBobby
You may be asking why, well the song is more than just a song to me. Those first releases where written during a very trying time in my life. They are lessons I needed to learn and how I got through one of the worst times in my life. The lyrics came out of a place of hurt and "un//forgiveness" is the most important one to me. "A New Day Rising" is catchy, "It's Not a Threat, It's a Promise" is heavy, aggressive, and straight up pissed, but "un//forgiveness" has an important lesson that applies to everyone. You see, un//forgiveness is about forgiving someone that you don't think deserves it.
I have come to learn, the hard way, that holding onto hatred and anger is like dragging around a dead body and hoping the weight of the corps weighs down the person who has hurt you. It won't happen. In my experience, the other person was out living her life, having fun, and not caring that she hurt me or what I was going through. I was not even given a second thought. She didn't care how much I hated her, or that I didn't forgive her.
Being unforgiving is only going to hurt you, it'll bring you down and take a strong hold on your life. Letting go, on the other hand, will free you. It's not easy, it took me a little over 2 years, but today I can say with a clear conscience, that I forgive this person and I love her as a human being, but I don't need or want her in my life. The song on my bands first release is an important song for me, because it was a prayer to God asking Him to take my unforgiveness. The songs on our upcoming albums tell an entirely different story, more of a critique on the American church. In 2 years after this album cycle is over and it comes time for us to record a new album, I'll create songs (lyrically) that will reflect the current lessons I am learning and I'll be able to look back on this album and see the lessons God taught me during this season in my life. There will be that one song off this release that resonated with me a little more than the rest and will end up having a regular spot in our set.
I don't want to live in the past, but I don't want to forget the good that came out of hardship, that's why the song "un//forgiveness" will remain in our set for a while.
~ HiMyNameIsBobby
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Why You Shouldn't Be in a Metal Band
I know what you're thinking, "Bobby, you're in a metal band. Why would you tell us this?" My answer to that would be, yes I am in a metal band, however, this article is not called "Why Bobby Shouldn't Be in a Metal Band" it's why YOU shouldn't be.
****DISCLAIMER****
If you want to be in a metal band you have to be very skilled at the instrument you play. If you're not good, take some more time to become efficient at your instrument aka practice. There are enough mediocre metal bands in the world already. We don't need more.
*****
What are some of the top reasons people start or join bands? Of course love of music is one of them, but I have found that a lot of people want to be in bands because they want to be famous. In fact my band had a guitarist (who is credited on our first album in the liner notes as a member) who did not contribute anything to the band at all. In fact he couldn't even play guitar efficiently enough to stay in the band. His only ambition was that he "wanted to be famous." Me and the other band members would bust our butts working on music or booking shows (all of which we had to drop off of because this guy had to skip practice to spend time with his, as he put it, gulfran.) He would take credit for any and all of our accomplishments by saying, "You know why this happened right, because of me, because I'm so good looking." Our ex member is a big example of why you shouldn't be in a metal band.
Here's the thing, I love what I do. I love my band and we put a lot of effort into our craft and we do have heated arguments over it, which always helps us turn out the best music we can. But I also realize the sacrifice that being in this band entails. For the most part, we live in a van, not a tour bus, a van. Now, the bands that have tour buses have worked hard, spent years touring in a van and built up a fan base. We, however, are still building our fan base and putting in the hours. Touring is not easy, it's sometimes not even fun, but it's worth it. You may very well become famous. However you will not become rich in the least. You will need a job when off tour. You might have to teach guitar, bass, or drum lessons. Just as an aside, being a famous metal musician in this generation is not what you think. It's not like the Metallica famous. It's like you'll get recognized by scene kids at the mall famous.
If you want it be in a metal band for any other reason then love of the music and a passion for writing and performing, you shouldn't be. If you only want to be famous, a metal band is not for you. Metal bands can become known, but you shouldn't get into it for that. I do what I do because I love performing and connecting with people. Not because I make a ton of money doing it, actually we have $0.07 in our royalty account right now and that's pretty normal.
Do what you love because you love it, if you can make a career out of it that's a plus.
~HiMyNameIsBobby
****DISCLAIMER****
If you want to be in a metal band you have to be very skilled at the instrument you play. If you're not good, take some more time to become efficient at your instrument aka practice. There are enough mediocre metal bands in the world already. We don't need more.
*****
What are some of the top reasons people start or join bands? Of course love of music is one of them, but I have found that a lot of people want to be in bands because they want to be famous. In fact my band had a guitarist (who is credited on our first album in the liner notes as a member) who did not contribute anything to the band at all. In fact he couldn't even play guitar efficiently enough to stay in the band. His only ambition was that he "wanted to be famous." Me and the other band members would bust our butts working on music or booking shows (all of which we had to drop off of because this guy had to skip practice to spend time with his, as he put it, gulfran.) He would take credit for any and all of our accomplishments by saying, "You know why this happened right, because of me, because I'm so good looking." Our ex member is a big example of why you shouldn't be in a metal band.
Here's the thing, I love what I do. I love my band and we put a lot of effort into our craft and we do have heated arguments over it, which always helps us turn out the best music we can. But I also realize the sacrifice that being in this band entails. For the most part, we live in a van, not a tour bus, a van. Now, the bands that have tour buses have worked hard, spent years touring in a van and built up a fan base. We, however, are still building our fan base and putting in the hours. Touring is not easy, it's sometimes not even fun, but it's worth it. You may very well become famous. However you will not become rich in the least. You will need a job when off tour. You might have to teach guitar, bass, or drum lessons. Just as an aside, being a famous metal musician in this generation is not what you think. It's not like the Metallica famous. It's like you'll get recognized by scene kids at the mall famous.
If you want it be in a metal band for any other reason then love of the music and a passion for writing and performing, you shouldn't be. If you only want to be famous, a metal band is not for you. Metal bands can become known, but you shouldn't get into it for that. I do what I do because I love performing and connecting with people. Not because I make a ton of money doing it, actually we have $0.07 in our royalty account right now and that's pretty normal.
Do what you love because you love it, if you can make a career out of it that's a plus.
~HiMyNameIsBobby
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year: A New Day Rising
It's 12:30am on January 1, 2013. I've been screaming for the metalcore band The Picture Of Dorian Gray for 3 years now. Over the past 6 months we've been writing new material and recording our second album. During what little down time we have we'll start discussing which one of our old songs we want to keep playing live and for me it always comes back to the song un//forgiveness and A New Day Rising. The second was the first song we ever recorded and it was the first one to show up on iTunes. I wrote the lyrics in November of 2010. I can remember exactly what I was thinking, what I was feeling. I remember the place that those lyrics came from....a place of deep brokenness.
We can, and will become broken many times throughout our time here in this life, but each time is unique in it's own little way. The brokenness that the lyrics come from is something I'm long past, but the repercussions of that brokenness...well, it's a story I've shared multiple times, a story that became the subject matter of the bands entire first album. I'll spare you and not rehash it again.
On this quiet and lonely New Years morning I figured out why that song is so important to me. We like to think of New Years as a new beginning for us. A whole new year to learn from our mistakes. A time to put the past behind us. We all say it. We tweet it, post it as our Facebook status in some form or another, but we never do it. I mean, sure for a couple of weeks we act like we were visited by the Ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. We totally change our ways. Then, come February we're back to our old ways.
The song, A New Day Rising, has a lyric before the last chorus that says, "
We can, and will become broken many times throughout our time here in this life, but each time is unique in it's own little way. The brokenness that the lyrics come from is something I'm long past, but the repercussions of that brokenness...well, it's a story I've shared multiple times, a story that became the subject matter of the bands entire first album. I'll spare you and not rehash it again.
On this quiet and lonely New Years morning I figured out why that song is so important to me. We like to think of New Years as a new beginning for us. A whole new year to learn from our mistakes. A time to put the past behind us. We all say it. We tweet it, post it as our Facebook status in some form or another, but we never do it. I mean, sure for a couple of weeks we act like we were visited by the Ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. We totally change our ways. Then, come February we're back to our old ways.
The song, A New Day Rising, has a lyric before the last chorus that says, "
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I'M BACK!
It's been almost 2 years! 2 FREAKING years! But I'm back non existent followers. I'm realizing that a lot can happen in 2 years. Let's recap. My last post was published on January 21st....2011! I remember exactly where I was when I wrote it. I was sitting in a dinning room in Bridgeton, NJ and had just finished my homework. It was a Friday, I know this because every Friday I would go over my then girlfriends house and do homework with her. A lot has changed since then. I got engaged to that girl. (Hold your applause) And got separated from that girl when she decided to cheat. I kicked that ho to the curb! Y'all feel me?! (you may applaud now) I wish it had been that easy. It really wasn't. I loved her and it's very hard when someone you loved so much decides to stop loving you. It sucks. I don't wish that feeling on anyone. I've had about 2 years to move on with my life, and I have, but allow me to share with you what God had taught me through that situation, a situation that felt hopeless.
The word love is so causally used among couples these days. They say "I love you" so causally that I do not think they know the connotation the phrase carries. Never, and I mean NEVER say "I love you" if you don't know 100% that you mean it! YOU HEAR ME? Not 99%, not 99.99999%, 100% sure. Those words, when misused can break someone! My ex told me she loved me after we'd been dating 2 months. I had wanted to say it after 1 but I wanted to make sure I really did. I really did love her. I was 100% sure of it. So I said it back. She didn't mean it. She cared about me to a point I'm sure, but not as much as she cared about having someone there to care about her.
I loved this girl enough to ask her to marry me, and she loved the idea of being loved enough to say yes. But that didn't last. A guy from her class started paying attention to her and she liked the attention so she had sex with him and continued to have sex with him until I found out to which she told me she never cared about me, I was convenient.
Those words sent me into a downward spiral of depression. On top of that, I had been diagnosed with the early stages of Hotchkins disease. I wanted my life to be over. I was so hurt. It sucked. But in that pain I remembered God. I had blocked God out of the picture and replaced him with my ex. She was more important to me than God. One night in particular I remember, I was sick of feeling depressed, I was sick of feeling the pain that I had from being hurt. In the midst I remembered God and started to pray. I said, "I don't understand what's going on. I don't have respect for myself, the girl who said she'd always love me, never did, my friends won't talk to me, I don't have family that care, and I want to take my life because of it. If Your son Jesus really cares, you need to show me right now...because I am giving my broken heart to You, and if You don't want it, nobody want's it, I don't want it."
I lifted my head and I felt the spirit of God come upon me and calm me. I began to heal. I will not pretend that I'm 100% healed, I don't think I'll ever be. But that's the point isn't it? In a spirit of brokenness I found my faith again. In my brokenness I am whole and God's strength is glorified. Maybe the shattered parts are the places where God's love can really start to change us. I can honestly say I am closer to where God wants me to be because of having my heart broken.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
~HiMyNameIsBobby
The word love is so causally used among couples these days. They say "I love you" so causally that I do not think they know the connotation the phrase carries. Never, and I mean NEVER say "I love you" if you don't know 100% that you mean it! YOU HEAR ME? Not 99%, not 99.99999%, 100% sure. Those words, when misused can break someone! My ex told me she loved me after we'd been dating 2 months. I had wanted to say it after 1 but I wanted to make sure I really did. I really did love her. I was 100% sure of it. So I said it back. She didn't mean it. She cared about me to a point I'm sure, but not as much as she cared about having someone there to care about her.
I loved this girl enough to ask her to marry me, and she loved the idea of being loved enough to say yes. But that didn't last. A guy from her class started paying attention to her and she liked the attention so she had sex with him and continued to have sex with him until I found out to which she told me she never cared about me, I was convenient.
Those words sent me into a downward spiral of depression. On top of that, I had been diagnosed with the early stages of Hotchkins disease. I wanted my life to be over. I was so hurt. It sucked. But in that pain I remembered God. I had blocked God out of the picture and replaced him with my ex. She was more important to me than God. One night in particular I remember, I was sick of feeling depressed, I was sick of feeling the pain that I had from being hurt. In the midst I remembered God and started to pray. I said, "I don't understand what's going on. I don't have respect for myself, the girl who said she'd always love me, never did, my friends won't talk to me, I don't have family that care, and I want to take my life because of it. If Your son Jesus really cares, you need to show me right now...because I am giving my broken heart to You, and if You don't want it, nobody want's it, I don't want it."
I lifted my head and I felt the spirit of God come upon me and calm me. I began to heal. I will not pretend that I'm 100% healed, I don't think I'll ever be. But that's the point isn't it? In a spirit of brokenness I found my faith again. In my brokenness I am whole and God's strength is glorified. Maybe the shattered parts are the places where God's love can really start to change us. I can honestly say I am closer to where God wants me to be because of having my heart broken.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
~HiMyNameIsBobby
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)